When I was very young my great-grandmother moved to live with my grandparents. She was not my great-grandmother by "blood" (Little Grandma, we called her.) She lived close to my grandmother - my grandmother's mother had died and her father was left with two small children to care for, which he wasn't able to to. "Little Grandma" adopted my grandmother. He father and brother (new immigrants also from Bohemia) moved to a Bohemian settlement in Texas. Little Grandma and my grandmother stayed in the Northeast Texas area.
She was a very wise lady; my mother quoted her alot. She passed away at age 95 (I was 10).
Now, what does this ship and this have to do with my mental illness? She came with her sister when they were teenagers on a ship (I'm sure not like this one) in 1860 from Sweeden.
I can recall her opinion on "genes" versus environment. And I agree as I stated in my "Alcohoism" page. The medical profession goes back and forth on this, but from my own personal experience, I believe you are born as God intended - and maybe with a brain chemistry imbalance.
I was always told "you take things wrong" or "you have no reason to feel like you do" - from family and doctors. "You are intelligent, look okay, good family, good job, etc., etc."
It wasn't until 1994 when I finally got a DWI that I got help. I had to take a phys test. Well remember that test and that day. It was so simple - I thought. The guy looked at my scores on the computer, called a lady in to look at them, looked at them again. By that time I was getting the general idea - something wasn't going right here.
But it was going right for me. He talked with me for a little while. Then gave me my "punishment" from the courts for the DWI.
I had to do a little AA but was ordered to do more phycotherapist counseling than DWI meetings. Throughout the preious years I had put myself in counseling off and on but didn't stay long enough to get much value from it. It's rough. And I would have a relaspe again. Medicate myself (as alcohol trains your mind) with alcohol again.
I feel the enironmental factors really come in when you are trying to face life with the capabilities and thought patterns you are born with.
On February 1, 1998 I decided to end my life. Which was not my right to do. God still looked after me. I made it and was surprised at all the wonderful support I received from my family and friends. When I came home from the hospital, after a short time, I started making all those changes that I always knew had to be made.
And that was the first time I was given proper medication for my illness.
No, I am not bi-polar - lol - very "flexible" I prefer to call myself - sounds better than wishy-washy, indecisive, people pleaser. If you do too much for nothing for people you are a people pleaser, if you turn the other cheek you are a people pleaser. A doormat I've often been called.
My disagnosis is severe, recurring depression, borderline personality disorder. I sure fought that borderline personality disorder tag until I learned a little more about it.
Sometimes I do a real wrong trying too hard to do the right thing. Where the "Let Go and Let God" should come in.
And I do have a great imagination. Love to pretend. And to play. And I cry alot - when I am happy, sad - when you are happy, sad.
One of the biggest things my phycho counselor I had for a long time in the city would stress to me - "you make excuses for people at your own expense."
Many people will tell you in AA NOT to take medication. And, eventually, I've seen those same people finally realize they needed to take their's.
I am not implying all alcoholics are people who get DWI's are alcoholics or need medications. But, if you are one of those who do - take advantage of the medical knowledge God has made available for us.
And if you are in a situation where you are being harmed, verbally or physically, remove yourself if that it was it takes. Life won't be much easier for you, or hasn't for me I should say, but it's more pleasant.
I tried the turn the other check as Jesus would. Now I still do - but leave enough distance between that I can't hear the words or be harmed. God doesn't want us to be hurt - but the Devil does. I spent so many years thinking I was being punished by God that I forgot that the Devil is aways out and about also.
Sometimes still I try going it without my "brain chemistry" med, but have to go back on. Cry too often and too much.
